Perfecting Love

I really hope that I'm doing this right.

It seems too simple, so maybe it is.

I'm trying very hard to simply love God, and love people.

But, I'm not perfect. I'm trying though. I really hope that that counts for something.

So, I was speaking to my manager tonight about politics when the conversation took a turn that I didn't expect. We were talking about abortion, when I eventually brought up the fact that my faith is so important to my life.

I really love how conversation was spurred from there on.

We spoke about organized religion and the church.

Honestly, the church is flawed, as are we. It does things wrong.

We both agreed that arguing over the small things(anything smaller than Christ being our rescuer) is stupid.

I think the reason I was most satisfied with the conversation was more or less because I felt no need to push my beliefs upon him. It is silly to try to make a believer a believer. Just because he is of a different denomination doesn't mean he's not a believer. Why waste time and effort to show someone Christ that already knows him? I have also found that ideas should be offered gently, not thrusted upon people.

It's hard to get my head around this but I came upon this conclusion:

I have nothing to feel guilty about if another person does not choose Christ.

I try so hard to be perfect, but no amount of perfection in the presentation of Christ is going to be the reason a person comes to love Him more.

A person will come to love Christ more because I show the love of Christ. If I can perfect love, then I am getting somewhere.

Love Brings Change.

We Are So Far From Home

I'm not sure how to explain my disposition right now. I'm in a very odd juncture in my life.
It's almost as if I'm taking a break. Not really from life, but from religion.

I'm not sure exactly what to think anymore.

I have no doubt in my mind that Jesus is it. He's everything that life means to me. He's my true love. But what does that mean of me?

I have a wonderful acquaintance that exchanged numbers with me today and brought up the fact that she's looking for it, for what she believes. She knows I'm a Christian. That is amazing, because that's what I've wanted. I've wanted people to be able to tell that I love what Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit mean to me without me saying anything about it.

But I'm also trying to take a step back and look at what it all means to me.

What does being a believer require of me? Shouldn't I be happier as a person because I am?

I'm at a point in my life where things just aren't what I want.

Is life going to get better? It's not miserable right now, but why isn't it great? What is my purpose in this grand scheme of things and why haven't I found it yet?

Why is life so hard and so confusing?

I was listening to "Far From Home" by The Classic Crime on my way home tonight. In the song, there are lyrics.
"I've got a bad taste in me
It's like I've been robbed of something that I once was in my childhood memories...
I've got a bad pain in my heart
It's like the first time I looked in your eyes
The first time it all feel apart...

But now we are so far from home
Far from home
All I have is words
To which I must lay
I scribble them down
Hoping they'll save me
But I'm lost
I'm so lost

These pages will burn
And I will pass away
Yesterday is gone
And I just can't shake
The fact that I'm lost
I'm so lost

But now we are so far from home
Far from home
Now we are so far from home
Far from home."

The lyrics just buried themselves into me. I just feel that we've lost the point. I feel that I've lost the point. Honestly, I'm lost. How do I save people? How am I expected to do that? And how do I know that it's working? Who am I expected to save?

How am I supposed to act in order to please God and still maintain my individuality? How am I supposed to do what is expected of me, but not fall into the traps of monotony and uselessness that so many Christians have fallen into? It is a terrible thing to say, but so many "Christians" are useless to the kingdom of God.

How am I supposed to live in this world and yet have no part of it? What is really expected of my life?

I feel like I'm trying to live in two worlds that want nothing to do with each other.
Even worse, my thoughts tend to contradict what I have been taught my entire life. I'm lost. Taking a step back, I'm trying to see what is truth and what isn't. I'm trying to see the assumptions that we've made for so many years in an entirely new light and trying to judge them for what they truly are.

I want one foot in this world and the other outside of it, and it's stretching me thin.

What does actually being a Christian really, truly mean?

Orphanage

As much as reality seems to have its way with me, I tend to be a big dreamer.
Lately especially you should live in my head.
I spend half of my time just thinking lately.
The last couple of mornings it has been awfully hard to get up and get out of bed.
You know those days when you don't want to waste your very valuable time on this earth, but you also see no point in getting out of bed to continue your routine.
So, lately I've found myself laying in bed just thinking or contemplating or dreaming.
So, I work at a jewelry store and I also work at this factory job.
Both tend to offer a lot of time to think, especially the factory job.
There, you have two options: you think or you don't think.
Sometimes zoning out has it's benefits, but I usually use the time to think.
Anyway, what do I think about?
I generally dream.
Which is funny to say as usually when I'm dreaming, I don't think of it as dreaming.
I think of it as something that will come true, reality permitting.
Or I hope it will come true.
Man, I have TOO much time to dream.
So, my dream right now...is for an orphanage in Thailand.
More specifically, I want to open an orphanage in Thailand.
So, instead of doing homework as I ought to be doing, I Googled "How to open an orphanage in Thailand," researched Rosetta Stone Thai learning software, and looked up a ticket to Thailand.
The Google result came back neither dismal nor joyful.
I actually didn't delve deep enough to find any really useful information.
The Rosetta Stone Software came back to me at $219.
And the ticket at over $1500.
So, I would still classify my thoughts of Thailand to be a dream, but I'm still pretty enthuised about it.
I've been dreaming this dream and praying for it for a couple of months now.
Yesterday at church, one lady stood up and asked for prayers for some of our missionary friends in South Asia.
They said that Christians are being persecuted heavily there.
Things are really heating up and Churches, houses, and orphanages have been burnt down.
I can't honestly say that I was really tuned in until I heard that.
That evoked my tears.
How could anyone light fire to an orphanage?

The First Post

So, I always hate the first post on these type of things. You feel the obligation to tell about yourself, why you've started blogging, and say things that are deep and profound. Oh well, the first one is always the hardest to write. Call me anti-authority or such, but I have no intention of telling you about myself, why I've started blogging, or say anything deep or profound on purpose.

Honestly, I just like the idea of honesty. Which is how I plan to blog.

*Whew* Glad that's over.