We Are So Far From Home

I'm not sure how to explain my disposition right now. I'm in a very odd juncture in my life.
It's almost as if I'm taking a break. Not really from life, but from religion.

I'm not sure exactly what to think anymore.

I have no doubt in my mind that Jesus is it. He's everything that life means to me. He's my true love. But what does that mean of me?

I have a wonderful acquaintance that exchanged numbers with me today and brought up the fact that she's looking for it, for what she believes. She knows I'm a Christian. That is amazing, because that's what I've wanted. I've wanted people to be able to tell that I love what Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit mean to me without me saying anything about it.

But I'm also trying to take a step back and look at what it all means to me.

What does being a believer require of me? Shouldn't I be happier as a person because I am?

I'm at a point in my life where things just aren't what I want.

Is life going to get better? It's not miserable right now, but why isn't it great? What is my purpose in this grand scheme of things and why haven't I found it yet?

Why is life so hard and so confusing?

I was listening to "Far From Home" by The Classic Crime on my way home tonight. In the song, there are lyrics.
"I've got a bad taste in me
It's like I've been robbed of something that I once was in my childhood memories...
I've got a bad pain in my heart
It's like the first time I looked in your eyes
The first time it all feel apart...

But now we are so far from home
Far from home
All I have is words
To which I must lay
I scribble them down
Hoping they'll save me
But I'm lost
I'm so lost

These pages will burn
And I will pass away
Yesterday is gone
And I just can't shake
The fact that I'm lost
I'm so lost

But now we are so far from home
Far from home
Now we are so far from home
Far from home."

The lyrics just buried themselves into me. I just feel that we've lost the point. I feel that I've lost the point. Honestly, I'm lost. How do I save people? How am I expected to do that? And how do I know that it's working? Who am I expected to save?

How am I supposed to act in order to please God and still maintain my individuality? How am I supposed to do what is expected of me, but not fall into the traps of monotony and uselessness that so many Christians have fallen into? It is a terrible thing to say, but so many "Christians" are useless to the kingdom of God.

How am I supposed to live in this world and yet have no part of it? What is really expected of my life?

I feel like I'm trying to live in two worlds that want nothing to do with each other.
Even worse, my thoughts tend to contradict what I have been taught my entire life. I'm lost. Taking a step back, I'm trying to see what is truth and what isn't. I'm trying to see the assumptions that we've made for so many years in an entirely new light and trying to judge them for what they truly are.

I want one foot in this world and the other outside of it, and it's stretching me thin.

What does actually being a Christian really, truly mean?