C.O/N>N[E'C]T\E/D

So, I'm not very good at being vulnerable.
And I've never seen it as a flaw or anything. I'm just much better at being strong and taking care of other people and their problems rather than letting anyone else help me.
I don't let people help me and I don't let people see that I need help. Period.
And even as I'm writing this, I don't want help wanting help.
Vulnerability to me has always been embarrassing; almost a weakness. I honestly don't know how to explain it.
It's like I should be able to take on the world and succeed.

I had a friend say to me recently, "You're so pretty and gorgeous and you just seem like you have it all together."
I was flattered but...
Truth is, I don't, but I carry myself like I do.
And I am so insecure.
I've never been so much insecure about my body, face, and how I look as much as how people perceive me and my personality.
I am loud and obnoxious. Too eager to please and not confident enough to always be myself. In fact, I don't even know who "myself" is. When I am too quiet, things feel awkward and when I am too loud, I turn people off. Yet, I can't find the middle ground. And I don't feel interesting. In addition, I enjoy attention too much and throw a pity party for myself when I don't get it. I am overly emotional, yet I don't let people in. Honestly, anything that I would let people in on could change tomorrow. My mind is confusing; I don't understand it, how could anyone else? I'm afraid of being needy, or even being perceived as needy. To top it all off, I'm a control freak. I like things to go my way. Yet, somehow I still have friends.
I know most of my friends love me and let me know it, but I don't necessarily understand why.

I am continually amazed at how human people are though, regardless of their age, sex, circumstances. People are real. People lie in bed and feel alone, regardless of if someone is next to them. People have so much in common, yet sit in a coffee shop alone and will never understand how connected they really are.

The truth is, people never really know each other. People never really know what is going on inside each other's heads. Even married couples aren't so connected that they perceive exactly what the other is thinking, feeling, knowing.

People are so the same and go through the same things, yet they are so separate. And it's kind of sad.

What I would do to be able to see the world through other's eyes... I would look at myself. I would look at religion. I would look at God. At families. At friends. At importance and integrity and truth.

Then I guess I would know how alike we really are.